Upper Mountain officials released a short statement that said the test was called off because of "excessive violence", and is not to be rescheduled.

MOGEN DECLARES
HIMSELF A PACIFIST

In a related story, league tough guy David Mogen, shocked by the chaotic events of that fateful evening, stunned the bocce world by stating that he was done with the rough stuff. Apparently, seeing his teammate Smythe nearly dismembered was too much for this hardened veteran of physical and mental warfare. He joins the ranks of bocce’s most acclaimed pacifist, Ivan Sfencter, who has become a liability to teammates because of his unwillingness to intervene as situations warrant. Ironically, it was Sfencter who unintentionally coldcocked Mogen during a punch-up with Buck Mandingo several seasons ago. It now seems that neither one of them fully recovered, and counseling is in order.

David Mogen has been suspended by the Southside Pitch. Course director Roman D’Bauchery could not be reached for comment, but pitch officials cited an incident in which Mogen went on an obscenity-laced tirade. Mogen’s new pacifist stance has forced him to find new ways to vent frustration, and it appears that verbal assaults have become his favorite. Not since the days of infamous bad boy K-Rud has such an outcry of protest been voiced against one player. A local senior citizens group has organized a series of protests and demonstrations which have embarrassed Southside officials and tarnished the great game of bocce. (Incidentally, K-Rud is currently competing in the Aintry County Bocce Club of Georgia).

Mogen’s aggressiveness was still present as he seemed to be targeting Buck Mandingo’s Achilles ankle. His luck at doing so was much better than his futile attempts at finding the pallino. Once one of the games best players, he has become distracted by outside interests and is a shadow of his former self. He has clearly been the catalyst for some of the most violent and offensive displays this season and it is uncertain when his reinstatement will take place. This latest incident is most disturbing because he bypassed snap and crackle, and progressed directly to madness’ danger stage: pop.

Unconfirmed reports that Multi-Visionwill for the first time be featuring one of bocce’s preeminent players has started wild rumors and much speculation. The controversial David Mogen has been mentioned by sources that insist on anonymity, but his recent troubles have some believing that he may have an uphill battle ahead of him. In addition to this, Multi-Vision’s connections to the Energy Corp. may be a serious conflict of interest, Mogen’s well documented ties to the Parallax Corp. a secret to no one. Multi-Vision executive Mr. Bartholomew had this to say on the matter: "The game is designed to demonstrate the futility of individual achievement." Whatever Multi-Vision executives decide, it will be a historic moment for the great game of bocce, whose image needs a much needed boost after many black marks and embarrassing scandals.

BLOOD SCHEDULED TO TIE THE KNOT

League Iron Man James Blood is scheduled to wed Jane Doe VIII this summer in Aintry County, Georgia. A part of the country known more for backwoods mountain men than fine bocce, one must watch his backside at all times. Honeymoon plans include fishing and a romantic canoe trip.

Ivan Sfencter and Buck Mandingo spent much of the year serving as ambassadors for the great game of bocce. Their first opportunity to do so came at the sprawling Milquetoast Acres, a fine pitch called home by the now notorious bocce bitches, Madame Cinco and Lady Chablis. The many novices in attendance were schooled by Sfencter on the fundamentals of the game, while Mandingo offered invaluable advice regarding classic grilling techniques.

Cinco has gone to great lengths to disassociate herself from those that revealed to her her inherent female inferiority, and has apparently returned to territory more familiar to her: the kitchen and the laundry room. Chablis is currently abroad (no pun intended) reportedly experimenting with a new, experimental sun screen.

Sfencter and Mandingo’s bocce tour also included a stop in Washington’s Little Niger. Bocce executives have embarked on an ambitious program designed to introduce inner-city minorities to the game. Former Southside Pitch regular Nathan Sweatmoore was instrumental in the planning of this endeavor, although he did not take part in the clinics. Sfencter and Mandingo both praised newcomer Phil Blackman, whose girth has those at Superbabies, Inc. talking terms. Kali Bhatt also taught a fascinating class on booce ethics entitled "Ceramic Vishnu".

One of the most volatile characters to ever play at the infamous Southside Pitch, Fabio DeSalvo, is currently residing in California. His connections with producers there may result in the first documentary on the game of bocce. Hopefully DeSalvo is more skilled with a camera than he is on the pitch, for his contributions to date amount to little more than a few punch-ups and overcooked steaks. His finest moment is undoubtedly the victory he shared with teammate David Mogen at the El Diablo Invitation Sevens Tournament last year. Unfortunately, he never again regained the form that helped him earn this achievement, and his decline was clearly evident to booce aficionados by the time he headed west.

The proposed film project is reportedly being sponsored by Southside’s newest partners, the Energy Corp. It will include archival footage of bocce’s early days, and chronicle the many controversial incidents that have occurred over the years, and the players involved. It has been leaked to the Deboccery Times by an anonymous, but reliable source that new photos have recently surfaced that will once and for all put to rest the bizarre rumors surrounding the now legendary Evening’s Ritual. Also of interest, choice scenes from a hardcore porno that DeSalvo shot starring none other than Madame Cinco and a sweaty Ivan Sfencter.