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MOGEN STUNS THE BOCCE WORLD BY ANNOUNCING HIS RETIREMENT
Infamous Southside Pitch bad boy
David Mogen shocked the bocce world by announcing his retirement from the
game that made him famous. There has been no press conference scheduled,
and further details have not been given by neither Mogen nor representatives
of the Parallax Corporation. Perhaps the deception and chicanery so often
associated with bocce test matches has finally broken him.
It was only one short month ago
that Mogen was traumatized by the near dismemberment of associate Tomas
Sinjin-Smythe at the hands of an insane Scotty Shyster. Mogen was visibly
shaken by the violent incident and declared his pacifist status shortly
thereafter. This was followed by an incident at Southside in which he launched
into an obscenity-laced tirade that was embarrassing and offensive to say
the least. The ensuing protests led to his losing endorsement contracts
with both Marlboro and Viagra. Whether or not these incidents have contributed
to his demise is anyone’s guess. He has since gone into seclusion, to this
day his fate remains unknown.
REV. CLEOPHUS MAKES LONG AWAITED DEBUT
The Rev. Cleophus James made his
much anticipated debut at the Southside pitch early in May, proving that
his reputation for bocce excellence has been well earned. His famous triple-
rock throwing technique continues to confound opponents, and his subtle
psychological warfare is on a par with Southside’s veteran lowlifes. Unfortunately,
his test match experience leaves much to be desired, his priorities grossly
out of whack. Whether or not he can rise to greatness among bocce’s elite
remains to be seen, but his appetite clearly rivals the most ravenous of
Southside gluttons.
CRAZY JOE GALLO and SPIDER LOAF MAKE SEPARATE CAMEOS
The legendary Crazy Joe Gallo proved
once again that time has not dulled his formidable bocce skills. Often
taunted as washed-up and over-the-hill, he lets his bocce do his talking,
as he and Buck Mandingo manhandled veterans Ivan Sfencter and Tomas
Sinjin-Smythe.
Spider Loaf (no relation to Meat)
also threw some fine bocce, but is clearly in need of experience if he
is to make a serious run at this year’s Carnivores Cup.
His partner David Mogen, asked to
comment on his play said, "Dance that drink over here, Spider."
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SINJIN-SMYTHE’S SLUMP CONTINUES; SFENCTER STINKS UP THE PITCH
Since his victimization by
Scotty Shyster’s merciless "Guillotine" hold, Tomas Sinjin-Smythe has not
been the same. The former Carnivores Cup selection has managed only one
tainted victory, and this with the season nearly three months old. He has
ignored suggestions that his injured shoulder has not yet healed, but the
evidence is overwhelming, and his frustration is mounting.
As for Sfencter, his play has been
so consistently horrible that Las Vegas odds makers have made him a 1000-1
long shot to win this year’s Carnivores Cup. Not surprisingly, few are
taking that bet. Sfencter’s recent run-in’s with local authorities have
no doubt distracted him from serious competition, but there’s no excuse
for his lackluster outings of late. Unable to execute his trademark laredo
style toss because of chemical induced dementia and excessive ingestion
of toxic elixirs, he has become a stumbling, bumbling caricature. There
are new rumors that he is planning on missing the Aintry County Bocce Festival
in July. If true, it will be a sad end to a career highlighted by erratic
behavior.
ABSENCE OF BROADS A WELCOME RETURN TO GOOD OLD DAYS
The Southside Pitch’s long standing
policy prohibiting broads from participation in test matches looked to
be a thing of the past, its grounds recently invaded by a bevy of uppity
wenches, among them Jane Doe II, and the "Milquetoast Twins", Madame Cinco
and Lady Chablis. While the former may be back with her beau, veteran
Nathan Sweatmoore for the Memorial Day classic, the latter duo are out
of action indefinitely, being treated for exposure. The details of their
conditions are not yet clear, but their reputations speak for themselves,
and are not a reflection of their snow white skin pigment.
However, much to the delight of
Southside traditionalists, broads have been noticably absent from test
match competition, as they seem to have slowly accepted their rightful
"place". Setting a fine example for the female tribe was the great Jackie
Quatro, who cooked in the kitchen while the men battled outside. Those
like her are few and far between, today’s broads seemingly oblivious to
their inherent inferiority to men. Interesting new research may cast some
light on their inexplicable defiance.
Southside Pitch professor emeritus
Nathan Sweatmoore is currently conducting a fascinating new study into
the age-old "Rule of Thumb", which allowed a man to beat his woman as long
as the club was no thicker than his thumb. The good old days, indeed.
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COMMENTARY
by Jacques Squalor
The Southside Pitch is in a transitional
stage. Once known as the venue for the most brilliant bocce in all the
world, it has, unfortunately, come to be recognized with the violent
and unpleasant behavior of those who play there. And, finally, the many
unsavory incidents that have occurred over the years have begun to take
their toll.
The latest casualty is Iron Man
David Mogen, who recently announced his retirement from the game. Mogen
refused to give a reason for this sudden departure from the game that helped
him earn an unprecedented reputation for debauchery. In hindsight, however,
all of the warning signs were there: his declaration of pacifism; an offensive
and embarrassing tantrum that raised the ire of community activists;
and a noticeable decline in his consumption of pork; all of these factors
add up to a man poised on the verge of self-destruction. Perhaps it is
for the best that he got out with his mental faculties still intact.
Another potential candidate for
retirement appears to be controversial former Carnivores Cup selection
Tomas Sinjin-Smythe, who has yet to rebound from a pre-season shoulder
injury. His claims to a full recovery are contradicted by his repeated
failures on the pitch, and it is evident that he has lost the drive that
made him a paper champion. A lesson can be learned by all from the demise
of these tragic characters.
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MEMORIAL DAY TOURNAMENT SURE TO BE UGLY
This years Memorial Day Bocce Tournament
at the famed Southside Pitch will gather a who’s who of local degenerates.
Scheduled to take part are the explosive Pat Kaczynski, and the boisterous
Homer Bradshaw, both regarded as vermin throughout the sporting world.
Their close associate, Dr. DBR, has the girth to keep them in line, and
the bocce to frustrate them. Kaczynski, of course, was at the center of
one of last season’s most heated controversies, a letter bomb mailed to
the home of veteran Buck Mandingo. No one claimed responsibility for the
death threat and Kaczynski was later cleared of any wrongdoing, yet he
still possesses a temper that could see him spontaneously combust at any
moment.
Homer’s test appearances have been
few and far between, and probably for the best. Riot police were called
to the scene the last time he threw at Southside and a repeat performance
is hoped to be avoided. However, the return of the mysterious Shedboy makes
the chances for civility unrealistic.
Also slated for action are Spider
Loaf, Rev. Cleophus, and the vile Frenchman, Jean-Luc Perreault, who seems
to take pride in his shamelessly unprofessional bush league tactics. It
would serve him well not to forget that his big French ass would make perfect
fertilizer for a ragged Southside Pitch.
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