DEBOCCERY TIMES
SOUTHSIDE PITCH
  Februrary 2000

Test Report  


SFENCTER, C-WEB STUMBLE TO VICTORY

In one of the most shocking upsets in bocce history, the unlikely team of Ivan Sfencter and Charlotte Webb registered victories against David Mogen and Jean-Luc Perreault in the 1st Test match, and Spider Loaf and Buck Mandingo in the 2nd.

The first bocce of the season took place under the lights of the Southside Pitch on an unseasonably warm February evening, the moist pitch barely thawed from several frozen months under the snow. The less than favorable conditions, however, were perfectly suited for
the often unpredictable game of veteran Ivan Sfencter, his normally erratic laredo style technique seemingly corrected by obvious intoxication. His partner, C-Webb, was equally inebriated, the hybrid of liquor and libido a timeless antidote for overcoming female inferiority. The saucy wench was not to be denied as her and Sfencter easily disposed of their more experienced opponents.

Mogen has clearly mellowed with age, his conduct a most welcome change from years past when both obscenities and beer bottles were hurled at the targets of his ire with unapologetic ferocity. His respectful concession of defeat was 

 unfortunately not forthcoming from his teammate, Perreault, who refused to acknowledge the accomplishment of his victors and was typically obnoxious in defeat.

The vile Frenchman is one of the few participants at Southside to be banished indefinitely for conduct unbecoming the great game of bocce, and he yet again failed to disappoint those who’ve become familiar with his tasteless brand of sour grapes. The decision of the Southside Pitch Board of Directors to allow those of French ancestry to participate in test matches has been criticized from both players and administrators who’ve had to endure the arrogance of Perreault
and his ilk. A change in policy seems immanent if respectability among bocce’s elite is to be maintained.

Following their psychological destruction of Perreault and Mogen, Sfencter and C-Web easily disposed of Spider Loaf and Mandingo, the latter duo completely outclassed and at no time in seriously contention. Mandingo, never one to pass on an opportunity to exploit female inferiority, decided to exact street justice on Webb, administering several merciless beatings that would have made Ike Turner proud. Curiously, Webb seemed to enjoy the thrashing, the upset victory further enhanced by a truly horrific spectacle.

 
MOGEN INJURED IN BIZARRE INCIDENT

Southside Pitch tough guy David Mogen suffered minor injuries during the first test match of the season when he was unintentionally felled by an intoxicated Ivan Sfencter. Details of the incident seem to indicate that Sfencter simply became overcome by drunken revelry, his legs unable to keep him aloft as nature intended. Mogen just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, his left foot absorbing the full force of Ivan’s fall from grace. Sfencter’s on-going battles with coordination have been well documented, but this is the first time his lack of sobriety has resulted in such dire consequences. Mogen’s teammate, Jean-Luc Perreault, rushed to the defense of his stricken comrade, perhaps thinking that Sfencter was attempting some sort of misguided ruse to disable him, only to realize that Ivan had simply fallen and couldn’t get up. 
Mogen was able to continue and finished the test match, although he and Perreault never recovered their form and were upset by Sfencter and saucy second-year wench Charlotte Web. Perreault’s post-match press conference is certain to set the tone for the remainder of the season, the controversial Frenchman questioning the professionalism of his victorious opponents, lamenting that he’d just been beaten by "a woman and a drunk." Mogen then seized the opportunity to cast dispersions of Sfencter’s sordid personal life and his intense deviant femininity. Just another night at the Southside Pitch. 
 

 COMMENTARY
by Jacques Squalor

Those fortunate enough to witness the first test matches of the 2000 season were treated to an evening of bocce that encompassed the entirety of characteristics that are indicative of Southside bocce: drunken stumblebums, saucy broads, shameless whining, post-match gluttony, and, of course, first-rate bocce. All of this was made possible by the most unlikely series of upsets in bocce history, as storied ex-champion Ivan Sfencter and Charlotte Web made a mockery of old-school bocce veterans. Well shall forego a retelling of the incredible tale, as it has been 
told and retold countless times, those who do so seemingly attempting to convince themselves that they had not merely imagined what common sense told them was virtually impossible.

Sfencter’s rollercoaster-like ceramic odyssey has once again reached unimaginable heights, this latest chapter in his checkered career certain to be included in his memoirs. One can only hope that he can manage to maintain some sort of consistency and not revert to the embarrassingly putrid performances that have come to epitomize his most recent efforts. His perpetual battles with confusion and coordination continue to this day.

Web, known in local circles as Lady Gimlet, appears determined to challenge Southside dogma and its well known code of inherent female inferiority. Her spirited outings give one the impression that many more beatings are required before she submits to Southside standards. 
 
 

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