SNAP, CRACKLE, POP: SINJIN-SMYTHE BRINGS DISGRACE TO CARNIVORES CUP Two 3-Way test matches between recently crowned Carnivores Cup selection Tomas Sinjin-Smythe and veterans Ivan Sfencter and Buck Mandingo would produce an outcome the likes of which could not have been imagined possible, even in the imaginations of those present. With Mandingo stealing point after point from a paper champion teetering on the edge of a complete mental collapse, Sinjin-Smythe crumbled shamelessly like a house of cards. Although there were no members of the Southside Pitch Board of Directors in attendance, news of Smythe’s breakdown spread quickly. Efforts to obtain comments from board members would ultimately prove fruitless, but it is rumored that Sinjin-Smythe’s unprecedented display could possibly see him stripped of bocce’s most prestigious award. Sinjin’s debacle overshadowed what
was perhaps the finest 3-Way test match the Southside Pitch has ever seen.
This excellent first test also featured arguably the best toe-to-toe
fight of the season between Smythe and Mandingo, with pacifist Sfencter
abandoning the pitch in disgust. It is, ironically, this consistently
high standard of play that led to frustration, the likes of which has not
been experienced by a player of Smythe’s caliber. With Smythe in
position to win the match no less than three times, Mandingo, time after
times stole points and crept back into the game after allowing Smythe to
jump out to an early commanding lead. With the score tied at 13-13,
both of Sinjin’s balls were close enough to the pollino to claim victory,
but Mandingo would snatch victory from the jaws of defeat on the final
toss of the game. Not only did his ball strike both of Smythe’s,
but when the dust settled, both of his balls were closest to the pollino
and victory was his. The events having unfolded in this manner was
clearly more than Smythe could take, and it was obvious to all in attendance
that he was a broken man. (Sfencter, who managed but a single point
during the entire match, kept his anger in check; even in defeat,
his class was in stark contrast to Smythe, and a valuable lesson to all.
It was during the second test that
it became obvious that Sinjin-Smythe was not himself. His cluttered
mind was clearly elsewhere, and the match again became a two horse race,
only this time between Mandingo and a composed Sfencter. Smythe was
noticeably not offering his best bocce, forgetting that a Carnivores Cup
champion must conduct himself in such a manner as to bring credit and not
disgrace to this great sport. Smythe could only manage the latter,
and it is his selection as champion that has the wisdom of Southside Pitch
officials being vociferously questioned.
UGLY END LEAVES
FUTURE OF SOUTHSIDE PITCH IN SERIOUS
DOUBT
In what seems likely to be the final
test match of an occasionally brilliant, but often ugly 1997 Carnivores
Cup campaign, it was again ugliness that would take center stage. The test
pitted, for the umpteenth time, Tomas Sinjin-Smythe and Buck Mandingo
vs. the team of David Mogen and Ivan Sfencter. It was a closely
contested game from start to finish, but the result turned out to be the
same old story: victory again for Smythe and Mandingo. The
real story of the evening was not the bocce, however, but the excessive
trash-talking that may possibly leave a scar on Southside Pitch bocce visible
for generations to come.
The verbal jabs started early, soon
evolved into haymakers, and ultimately metamorphosed into viscous sucker
punches. Comments ranged from taunts of incompetence to accusations
of deviant sexual behavior, the personal nature of said remarks creating
an air of tension unprecedented, even for the Southside Pitch. Remarkably,
fisticuffs were not on the evening’s agenda; it is possible that
punch-up may have gotten things out of everyone’s system so that bocce
would again become the main focus. It was not to be, however, and
the bickering would continue long after the final ball was tossed.
As bad as things got , the situation
seemed salvageable, the participants looking to reconcile the bad blood
and put this regrettable spectacle behind them. Veterans Mogen, Sfencter
and Mandingo were agreeable to such a scenario, but it was again Sinjin-
Smythe who would spoil the occasion, refusing to take the pitch.
Smythe went so far as to say that his season of bocce was over; his
remarks were short and to the point: “I’m done.” His rise and
fall are further evidence that Southside Pitch bocce is not for sweethearts.
His lightning like ascension to the heights of bocce have given way to
a reversal of fortune that has seen him plunge to the depths of despair.
It is uncertain whether or not anything can be salvaged from his once promising
career.
Southside Pitch officials broke
their week-long vow of silence, league spokesman Chuck Shick
addressing a packed press conference: “Despite the excessive number
of requests to strip Carnivores Cup selection Tomas Sinjin-Smythe of his
title, the board has voted not to do so. While it may be true that
his recent behavior has been despicably unprofessional, it was his fine
bocce that garnered him the trophy. Disciplinary action is most likely
the option officials will choose in dealing with Mr. Smythe. There
are no words that can adequately express the embarrassment he has brought
to our beloved grounds.” An extremely disappointing end, indeed.
The Southside Pitch may never fully recover from these unfortunate developments
and, at this moment, no one seems to care. When asked to comment
on the present state of Southside Pitch bocce, veteran Ivan Sfencter’s
typically incoherent babbling for once seemed to make some sort of sense:
“On my left foot I have six toes.” Madness. Madness!
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