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DEBOCCERY TIMES
SOUTHSIDE PITCH
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MAY ISSUE
DEBAUCH SUMMARY
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A MONTH OF
SHAME
May 1998 will long be remembered
as the month that set a new standard for debauchery, the shenanigans of
the Southside Pitch an embarrassment to the great game of bocce.
Whether it was the new faces of several rookies or the long-standing feuds
that have festered not unlike puss-filled boils in need of lancing, something
ominous was in the air. Perhaps it was a combination of both;
nevertheless, the deplorable incidents of these last few weeks were a domino
effect of impropriety. It is certain to be a long, hot summer.
ROOKIES LEAVE
A PERMANENT STAIN:
Rookies Pat Kaczynski, Dr. DBR and
Homer B. are the most notable of several rookies that made Test appearances
at the Southside Pitch in May. A particularly disgraceful display
early in the month centered around this tactless trio in which local police
were required to restore order on several occasions. Kaczynski had
hoped to be in contention for Rookie of the Year honors, but he has learned
the hard way that victories at Southside do not come easily. His
volatile personality has led to ugly altercations with both opponents and
teammates, as Homer B. can attest. Homer and Dr. DBR have struggled
to maintain a .500 win percentage, but have otherwise performed admirably
against the best bocce has to offer.
BROADS AND
HARLOTS:
Jane Doe V, a.k.a. Madame Cinco,
served notice to the bocce boys that the bitch is back. Her saucy
demeanor was a tempting offer to her male opponents to remind her of their
physical superiority and it all came to a head when her and Buck Mandingo
came to blows outside a local bar. Trash talking aside, this bitch
is for real, her bocce often on a par with three-legged counterparts.
Her crowning moment was no doubt a Test victory paired with Mandingo vs.
the insane Smythe and David Mogen.
Two associates of Jane Doe IV, Jane
Doe VI and Jane Doe VII, made a short but memorable stint at Southside.
While their bocce left much to be desired, it was not without reason that
the timing of their visits coincided with a shortage in the local supply
of penicillin.
PERREAULT
EPITOMIZES THE STENCH OF THE FRENCH:
Jean-Luc Perreault’s reputation
as a subservient dominatrix was further reinforced following typically
eccentric behavior after compiling a 6-1 record. His disappearance
was another in a long line of seclusion and alienation from this most famous
of recluses. Why it is that the French give off such a foul odor
at the Southside Pitch is a question this writer does not have the answer
to, but I have smelled it and it is a most malodorous air.
SMYTHE INSTITUTIONALIZED:
It has finally happened. Controversial
Carnivores Cup selection Tomas Sinjin-Smythe has been taken away by the
men in the white coats, asylum doctors anxiously awaiting an opportunity
to study him. Smythe had lost his #1 ranking, only to regain it days
later and it seemed no one would again wrestle it from his grasp.
However, several run-ins with his arch-enemy Buck Mandingo seem to have
taken their final toll. His time-bomb persona has finally been triggered
and his bocce future is now in the capable hands of area psychologists.
SWEATMORE’S
RETURN???
Southside Pitch veteran Nathan Sweatmore
is currently the subject of countless rumors that have him soon returning
to again vie for bocce’s famed Carnivores Cup. A favorite of Las
Vegas odds makers to win the award last season, Sweatmore instead opted
for the vigors of medical research. His experiments with electrodes
and monkey testicles has brought the wrath of animal activists, however,
and it is hoped that he abandon this practice if he does choose to return.
FABIO DESALVO
CALLS IT QUITS:
Young gun Fabio DeSalvo, kin to
the infamous and destructive Romeo DeSalvo, has announced his retirement
from bocce at the tender age of twenty-three. It was clear early
on that he would not be able to sustain the pace he set for himself when
the season began. What started as a promising career looks destined
to become yet another forgotten footnote in the annals of bocce.
His hyperactiveness was reminiscent of Sinjin-on-speed, but his game
never approached that level of expertise. His scrawny physique was
no match for the bucks of Southside, but is ideal for his new profession:
lawn jockey.
BOCCE PRO’S
SCHEDULED FOR ACTION:
James Blood, Haywood J’Bleauxmie
and Kali “A.J.” Bhatt are scheduled to return for action early in July,
according to published reports in Bocce Illustrated. All have previous
test experience and Bhatt in particular should add an international flavor
to the proceedings. If these reports prove to be true, and Nathan
Sweatmore also makes it to town, the foundation for another carnivorous
weekend will surely have been laid.
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