DEBOCCERY TIMES
SOUTHSIDE PITCH

Test Report                                                              May  1997

  

MEMORIAL  DAY  TOURNAMENT
EXCITING,  BUT  CIVIL


The Memorial Day Tournament at the Southside Pitch proved to be entertaining bocce by all sides.  Hometown hero Buck Mandingo continued his dominance of the remainder of the field.  Rookies Jane Doe I, Paul Fury, and Jane Doe II recorded valiant performances in losing efforts.  Veteran tosser Ivan Sfencter could not break out of his early season slump, winning only one of four test matches.  Other notable veterans Jean-Luc Perreault, David Mogen, Nathan Sweatmoore, and James Blood rounded out the field.

The teams took to the pitch on a perfect Southside afternoon.  The pitch, though uniquely challenging, was groomed to perfection.  The occasional waft of mouth watering charred flesh only enhanced the atmosphere.  Veterans welcomed rookies and introduced them to the subtleties of tour life.  Game etiquette, as always, is as at least as important as the final standings and failure to religiously observe said etiquette has at times resulted in ugly confrontations.  But on this day, with the exception of a few isolated incidents, the play was unusually pleasant and lucid.

The day began matching two teams that needed no introductions:  Mandingo and Sweatmoore edged Blood and Sfencter 15-14 in a match that epitomized the fine play that the gallery would be privileged to witness that afternoon.

Games 2 and 3 placed a balanced team of Mogen and Sweatmoore vs. the surprising coalition of Perreault and Sfencter.  Both matches were blowouts, though not in favor of the same team.   The first match between these teams saw Mogen throw as well as anyone ever has at the pitch.  He could, simply, do no wrong.  The second match proved to be a reversal of fortune, Jean-Luc carrying the struggling Sfencter through his dry spells while Sfencter showed occasional moments of genius.

Games 4, 5 and 6 introduced the rookies.  All were unsuccessful save Fabio DeSalvo.  Teamed with Mandingo, his opening performance was shining.
 

 

PARTICIPATION  OF  BROADS CONTROVERSIAL 

The inclusion of two broads, Jane Doe I and Jane Doe II, caused quite a stir after the Memorial Day Tournament was well under way.  Most involved were agreeable to the idea, but not Southside Pitch officials and especially not Buck Mandingo who, though scheduled to play in the next test, sat out in protest after learning that Jane Doe I would be one of his opponents.  “Broads are more than welcome to attend Carnivores Cup events a long as the extent of their participation does not exceed the turning of our steaks and the removal of stains from our undergarments, those of us who wear them”, said a disgusted Mandingo, who only began to calm down after a plate of barbecue spare ribs was placed in front of him.  Pork products have always had a positive effect on Mandingo’s disposition, but no one could have predicted the shocking conclusion to a memarable day of bocce, a conclusion that must have brought a tear to the eye of even the most seasoned follower of Southside Pitch bocce.  

Mandingo, teamed with Jane Doe II, would take on Ivan Sfencter and Jane Doe I in the final test match of the afternoon.  While Mandingo and Doe II may be polar opposites politically, they managed to find common ground (literally) on the pitch.  The two brought out the best in each other and the test would outcome of the game would be decided by the final throw of the pollino.  The usually incompetent Sfencter could for once blame his failure on poor fortune, his team deserving better that the 15-14 loss that was handed them.  A most unexpected and thrilling finale to another tremendous Carnivores Cup event.
 
 

Bocce notes

Although the highlights of the day were mainly comprised of the finest meats and magnificent bocce, there are unfortunately several unsavory incidents that must be recorded.  1.  Niagara Gazette sportswriter Mal Val Valkenberg, his press pass already threatened by Southside Pitch officials because of his massive consumption of ribs, went into cardiac arrest after devouring a side of beef.  Fortunately, future physician Nathan Sweatmoore would apply a life giving lip-lock to the enormous Val Valkenberg, who would relay an incredible tale from his hospital bed:  “After swallowing the last bite of that wonderful pork, I had an out-of-body experience.  While hovering above the pitch, I was able to view Mr. Sweatmoore mauling me by the grill, as well as the game winning shot by Jane Doe II.”     2.  Jane Doe I, who kept up with her beau, James Blood, drink for drink, was not available for post-test interviews or for scheduled test matches the following day, having reportedly checked into the Betty Ford Clinic.

 


 
 

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