ANOTHER BLACK EYE FOR THE SOUTHSIDE PITCH This special issue of the Deboccery Times is devoted entirely to what is unquestionably the most disgraceful display ever witnessed at the infamous Southside Pitch. Those familiar with the hallowed grounds of Southside should have no trouble grasping the significance of this statement, for there have been countless displays of debauchery over the years. The evening of May 9, 1998, however, will long be remembered by those in attendance as the pinnacle of whining. Course officials have launched a full scale investigation of the incident, the magnitude of this unprecedented spectacle certain to leave a permanent stain. At the center of the controversy were rookies, Pat Kaczynski and Homer Bradshaw, who, while not participating at the time, still felt compelled to impose their will on the matches they were watching from the losers section. As is the case with most lowlifes, the concept of “respect” is beyond their comprehension. Kaczynski, a first-year player, proved to all present that his incompetence on the pitch is exceeded only by his lack of class, his shameless bitching and pouting disgusting a capacity crowd. It was a scandalous exhibition that will undoubtedly enshrine Kaczynski in Southside’s dreaded Play Pen, reserved for those who possess childlike characteristics. There are already rumors circulating throughout the bocce world that he is not welcome back to Southside until doctors prescribe him medication to control his bizarre tantrums. Reportedly an expert with explosives, Kaczynski did not plan on his frustration blowing up in his own face. As for Bradshaw, his role as Kaczynski’s sidekick was even more pathetic, if not less predictable. He has yet to complete a test match of bocce, as he walked off the pitch during his lone opportunity to prove himself, obviously succumbing to intense pressure and Scotty Shyster’s piercing psychological taunts. Suggestions that a sandbox be built for Homer and Kaczynski to play in while the men throw bocce will be taken into consideration. Unfortunately overshadowed by these two sorry buffoons was the dominant team of veteran Buck Mandingo and Dr. DBR, another newcomer to Southside bocce. This pairing has never been equaled in girth, the two behemoths showing a soft touch for men their size. Their professionalism was in stark contrast to Kaczynski and Homer’s scumming, the two giants salvaging whatever dignity was left from a deplorable evening of bocce.
With no medication available to
sedate an out of control Kaczynski, police were called to the scene on
several occasions after all efforts to quiet him failed. Unfortunately,
they did not bring with them a straight-jacket or a muzzle, and the outbursts
again resumed. From their lonely seats in the losers section, Kaczynski
and Homer would compose a rambling manifesto, asserting that they were
the victims of a conspiracy. Their psychotic, obscenity- laced tirade
has been obtained by editors of the Deboccery Times, but is unfit for public
exhibition. It has been passed along to local psychiatrists, who
are standing in line in the hopes of treating these disturbed individuals,
the uniqueness of their frustration-related disorders extremely rare.
It is possible that they may someday return to the Southside Pitch, but
only after getting they help they so desperately need from highly trained
professionals who specialize in mental meltdowns. For now, however,
both have been suspended indefinitely pending the outcome of an ongoing
investigation.
SUMMARY BUCK MANDINGO def. DAVID MOGEN and IVAN SFENCTER This 3-Way test match was no contest
as Mandingo
CRAZY JOE GALLO and SEN.
WILLIAMS def.
Kaczynski’s descent into madness
began here, when he and a struggling
BUCK MANDINGO and DR. DBR
def.
The old-timers were clearly intimidated
by the girth of Mandingo and
BUCK MANDINGO and DR.DBR def. SCOTTY SHYSTER and SHEDBOY Mandingo and Dr.DBR are awarded
victory by disqualification when a confounded
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