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DEBOCCERY TIMES
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TEST MATCH BOCCE RETURNS TO SOUTHSIDE The infamous grounds of the Southside
Pitch, still reeling from controversial and unfortunate incidents of this
past Spring season, has risen from the ashes and again taken its place
among bocce’s most prominent venues. Nathan Sweatmoore’s much awaited
return has helped to raise the standard of bocce not seen since ex-Carnivores
Cup selection Tomas Sinjin-Smythe’s regrettable demise. The coveted
trophy has recently come into the possession of veteran David Mogen, a
bitter Smythe returning it under mysterious cloak and dagger circumstances.
It is again up for grabs and, surprisingly, it is veteran Ivan Sfencter
heading a list of favorites in the running to win bocce’s most prestigious
honor.
Southside Pitch’s 5th Annual Independence
Day Bocce Tournament and Foodfest again succeeded in uniting the great
game of bocce with various meat, pork and poultry products. As
in years past, several rookies made their debuts: Jane Doe IX (a.k.a.
Lady Chablis), the saucy sibling of the equally uppity Jane Doe V (a.k.a.
Madame Cinco), was among several broads that might have made better use
of their time preparing food for the many hungry men in attendance.
James Blood’s latest ladyfriend, Jane Doe VIII, also neglected her womanly
grilling duties and instead threw bocce with the boys, getting a
taste of male superiority not at all to her liking. League bad-boy
K-Rud was uncharacteristically well behaved, but the same could not be
said for the inebriated and offensive Scotty Shyster, who narrowly escaped
a beating he so richly deserved. His conduct was so deplorable that
he has been relieved of his duties as the Southside Pitch’s exclusive counsel,
the position soon to be filled by either Romeo DeSalvo or Jane Doe II.
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Nathan Sweatmoore’s recent return
to the Southside Pitch had not been a pleasant one. His long expected
return to form simply has not materialized, his inconsistent bocce leading
to maddening frustration. An unusually superstitious man, Sweatmoore’s
devout belief in what has come to be known as the “reverse jinx” has, more
often that not, left him on the short end of the score. The “reverse
jinx” is, of course, the attempted reversal of the natural unfolding of
events by offering subtle prayer-like musings to the gods of bocce.
It is a discreet form of scumming that has the potential to backfire if
misused or ineptly employed. It is most unfortunate to see Nathan
rely more on this undependable practice than the once pin-point accuracy
of his trademark left handed toss. Time is running out for Sweatmoore
to salvage anything from what has evolved into a unfortunate and unexpected
fall from grace.
Often down, but never out Ivan Sfencter
has once again defied the odds and sits poised atop the world of bocce,
his play reminiscent of the early days of his checkered career. His consistent
and, at times, brilliant bocce continues to baffle his peers, who have
used him as a stat pad for several seasons. A student of the game,
Sfencter has parlayed his flawless laredo-style throwing technique with
a never-say-die attitude that has been nothing short of inspirational.
Even a recent run-in with local authorities has failed to derail his seemingly
unstoppable momentum. Not unlike Captain Ahab’s obsessive pursuit
of the elusive great white whale, has been Ivan’s melodramatic ceramic
odyssey. Tragically, an unsavory Internet addiction (predominantly
spent in gay and lesbian chat rooms) has led to unconfirmed rumors that
he is suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. Only time will tell
whether or not this is destined to be yet another stain on Sfencter’s
notoriously soiled reputation.
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RIVAL ATTORNEYS FACE OFF IN TENSE TEST MATCH It was a confrontation that was inevitable as Teutonic trial lawyer Jane Doe II went toe-to-toe with the much despised Scotty Shyster under the lights of the Southside Pitch. Doe II and Nathan Sweatmoore would eventually fall to Shyster and Ivan Sfencter, the evening of tension and innuendo undoubtedly making all in attendance uneasy. An unusual appearance from course director Roman D’Bauchery left no doubt that the situation was potentially explosive. Doe II’s stubborn refusal to accept male dominance would only lead to frustration, although her bocce was preferable to that of her beau, Sweatmoore, who continues to languish in a season long slump. While it is true that Shyster’s piercing psychological taunts will test the resolve of the most hardened of bocce professionals, it was again Ivan Sfencter who stole the show. Recently vilified in a exploitative INSIDE BOCCE article, Sfencter has wisely ignored such tabloid bocce publications that offer more style than substance, and that can appropriately be found in supermarket checkout lines. His unseemly character flaws notwithstanding, it is his fine play that is newsworthy, not his well documented bouts with confusion and coordination. And while he has undeniably yet to master the latter, he seems to have made his peace with the former. |
Bocce folklore has for years told of ancient Egyptians stone tablets, upon which are recorded the outcome of future test matches. Although many have scoffed at the notion that contests are “written in stone”, startling new evidence unearthed by archeologists still sifting through the rumble of the lost city of Pompeii has renewed an age old debate about the existence of predestination. While it is true that the alleged Egyptian tablets have never been recovered, numerous eyewitness accounts have been documented and compiled by the editors of the DEBOCCERY TIMES in an effort to shed new light on this most controversial of subjects. The Pompeii tablets, which include intriguing illustrations of men tossing grapefruits sized stones at a smaller stone, also feature an indecipherable code of symbols that some purport to be ancient bocce prophecies. If proved authentic, the Pompeii stones would certainly rank among the most significant archeological finds of modern times. |
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