SWEATMORE TAKES 2
OF 3 TESTS
In 3-Way test match play, Nathan Sweatmore won the final two tests, continuing his consistently fine bocce and becoming the early favorite to win this year’s prestigious Carnivores Cup trophy, awarded annually to the most dominant bocce baller. The first test of the evening was won by Buck Mandingo, who repeatedly stole points from a frustrated Sweatmore. Unlike the first outing of the season which saw Sweatmore lose his composure, setting himself and inept teammate Ivan Sfencter up for a humiliating bocc-slapping at the hands of Mandingo and Jean-Luc Perreault, this recent series of tests bore witness to a more mature Nathan. He has quickly earned a reputation as one of the most formidable opponents on today’s circuit. Following a week-long hiatus from the pitch, Mandingo required professional counseling after experiencing bizarre symptoms of withdrawl. In his own words: “I was taunted time after time by the cracking sound of ceramic. I would quickly turn in hopes that I would soon be engaged in a match of bocce, but it was not to be. Several more days of this and my descent into madness would have been complete.” As for Sfencter, his role in the proceedings amounted to that of little more than a spectator, his insignificance exceeded only by his futile attempts at finding the pallino. After several promising victories with teammate Nathan Sweatmore vs. Mandingo and the always unpredictable James Blood following the Memorial Day extravaganza, Sfencter has reverted to the putrid play that has seen him become a Southside Pitch scourge. Ivan was thrashed thoroughly at the hands of a merciless James Blood, spoiling his greatest moment of the season thus far. What has followed can only be described as bocce so consistently poor that it may forever tarnish the reputation of one of this sports most revered men.
ROOKIE J’BLEAUXMIE SIZZLES In only his second appearance at the Southside Pitch, rookie Haywood J’Bleauxmie took on all comers and earned the respect of veterans Nathan Sweatmore, Ivan Sfencter, and Jean-Luc Perreault. Teamed with Buck Mandingo in the 1st test of the evening vs. the team of Sweatmore and Perreault, J’Bleauxmie carried his struggling teammate, his high arching shots consistently finding their mark. J’Bleauxmie and Mandingo effortlessly cruised to victory over their glassy-eyed and disoriented opponents. Those who attended the post- match press conference would be served the bitterest of sour grapes; instead of citing their own shoddy play, Sweatmore and Perreault accused Mandingo of bringing in a “ringer.” It is true that J’Bleauxmie is a member of the highly respected Central Park Fat Dago Bocce Club but it was obvious to all that the mind’s of those doing the accusing were whirling with transient nodes of thought, careening into a cosmic vapor of invention. It was in the 2nd test of the evening that J’Bleauxmie and Mandingo would suffer their only defeat, being narrowly bested by Sfencter and Perreault 15-14 on the final shot of the match. Even in victory, Perreault cowered and slithered shamelessly from the pitch as he has so many times before. It is no wonder that the French are at no other venue despised with the fervor they are as at the Southside Pitch. Sfencter, in a rare display of class, had only praise for J’Bleauxmie: “He simply sizzled.” The 3rd test saw J’Bleauxmie and
Mandingo return to their winning ways, defeating Sweatmore and Sfencter.
With Sweatmore failing to register a victory, the Carnivores Cup
is still up for grabs.
SPACKLER HIRED BY SOUTHSIDE
Southside Pitch course director
Roman DeBauchery has informed the Deboccery Times that former Bushwood
Country Club head groundskeeper Carl Spackler will assume the same
duties at the Southside Pitch. This should please Ivan Sfencter,
an outspoken critic of conditions at Southside. It does, however,
take away the last remaining excuse for his miserable play. Spackler,
never comfortable among the stuffy rich-types of Bushwood, should feel
more at home with the lowlifes that belong to the Southside Pitch
Bocce Club.
JEAN-LUC PERREAULT SUSPENDED After an excellent start to the
season, the typically unreliable Jean-Luc Perreault has been suspended
indefinitely by Southside Pitch officials for missing a scheduled series
of test matches. Course director Roman DeBauchery, who has long found
the arrogance of the French particularly distasteful, was irate:
“Perreault has showed us on many occasions to be a man without honor, his
words as genuine as a three-dollar bill. Our grounds will not suffer
from his absence.” Perreault, who has a history of not returning
reporters calls (or anyone else’s) could not be reached for comment.
CURRENT RANKINGS 1. NATHAN SWEATMORE
|