These words spoken by Johnny Cash approprietely summarize the events that took place at the Southside Pitch just prior to Thanksgiving, 1997.  Although Southside has grown accustomed to controversial and deplorable behavior throughout its short, yet unchallenged reign as the venue for test match bocce of the finest quality, the continuing degeneration of said behavior leaves many wondering if there is no bottom of  Southside’s proverbial barrel.  The series of unscheduled and unsanctioned tests of late November were arguably among the ugliest that seasoned observers described as the most viscious they had ever witnessed.  The report of the investigation that followed has only now been released to the public and, if true, will certainly stain the already soiled reputations of those in attendance.

While the spotlights illuminated the otherwise darkened pitch, veterans mixed elixers with novices, laying the groundwork for the evening’s chaos.  A frustrated Buck Mandingo would abandon the pitch in disgust before the first test had been decided, the limits of his patience clearly exceeded by the intoxication of the participants;  David Mogen would quickly follow suit, leaving Ivan Sfencter as the only remaining Southside regular.  Those who would complete the field were not newcomers to the pitch (James Blood, Romeo DeSalvo, and Scotty Shuyster) but their appearances had been few and far between;  DeSalvo’s ladyfriend, Jane Doe III, would make her maiden voyage that night.  Her behavior, however, was not befitting of a lady.

Doe III was relentless in her quest for blood, endlessly taunting her beau and his rivals as to whom among them was most man.  The short-tempered James Blood did not listen for long, and a new low for the hallowed grounds of Southside was reached again as he and Doe III would become involved in a clubhouse scuffle with no serious blows landed, but many attempted.  DeSalvo immediately came to his woman’s defense, and a chain of events had now been set in motion from which there was no return.

Mandingo’s absence from those tests in which Doe III was involved did not go unnoticed, his objection to female participation being well documented.  When he returned to the pitch, it was not long before he and Blood exchanged unpleasantries...and punches, with no clear victor emerging from the fracas.  It was no longer possible for DeSalvo to contain his aggression, as he also sought out a willing but exhausted Blood, whose team-mate Ivan Sfencter had long since cowered shamelessly from the pitch.  The evening’s bocce had clearly been abandoned when DeSalvo and Blood returned to the pitch to settle an old score:  Blood was cut early, his left eye swollen from countless and merciless right hands thrown by a shirtless DeSalvo, but it was Blood who had Romeo at his mercy when course officials arrived on the scene to break things up.

“...The mud and the blood and the beer...”, indeed.

SOUTHSIDE  SUED  BY  ANGRY  JEW

With all differences having been settled on the pitch, all who remained returned to the clubhouse to consume fine meats.  This Southside tradition was briefly interrupted when lawyers representing Irving Shapiro telephoned Southside Pitch officials, informing them that they were being smacked with a multi- million dollar lawsuit alleging ethnic insensitivity.  These accusations were scoffed at, and those present resumed their carnivorous pursuits.  While no official comment has been released regarding this latest attack on the integrity of the Southside Board of Directors, it had been widely rumored that they are considering hiring the infamous Scotty Shuyster to counter  Shapiro’s parasitic counsel.  There are few lawyers in this part of the world who are as despised and reviled as Shuyster;  there are also few who are better.  The legal spectacle that ensues should be worthy of the Southside Pitch.

ABRUPT ERUPTION: SMYTHE ALLEGES CONSPIRACY

Several 3-Way test matches between Tomas Sinjin-Smythe, James Blood, and Buck Mandingo produced some of the best bocce of the season, bringing to an end a brutal and controversial 1997 campaign.  An unusual December thaw made for moist conditions at the ravaged grounds of the Southside Pitch, left unattended for weeks by groundskeeper Carl Spackler , who has long since departed for the bluegrass of  Kentucky. The bocce was, nonetheless, of the highest quality, James Blood out to prove that it is not just his fists that have made him a living legend, but also his commitment to excellence.  The standard of play set by him and Mandingo was just too much for frustrated a Sinjin-Smythe, who has not rebounded from several late season debacles.  His controversial selection as Carnivores Cup champion set off cries of protest throughout the world of bocce, which appear to have substantial merit in hindsight, his performances and behavior erratic and eccentric, to say the least.  Failing to register a single victory in the 3-Ways, he immediately accused Mandingo and Blood of conspiring against him to ensure his defeat.  Anyone familiar with the competitive drive of those accused would laugh at such a statement.  Blood, however, would bide his time, choosing another venue to exact vengence.  This unexpected footnote to the Southside Pitch’s first official season has left much “unfinished business.”

FINAL  RANKINGS

 1.   Tomas Sinjin-Smythe   [*At Large]  
 2.   David  Mogen 
 3.   Buck  Mandingo     
 4.   Nathan  Sweatmore 
 5.   Ivan  Sfencter 
 6.   James Blood 
 7.   Haywood  J’Bleauxmi 
 8.   K-Rud
 9.   Romeo  DeSalvo
10.  Paul  Fury 
11.  Fabio  DeSalvo