FIELD OF CONTENDERS
FOR
Of the many intriguing developments at the Southside Pitch during the month of August, perhaps the most surprising was the self-imposed exile of Nathan Sweatmoore. Once an early favorite to win the coveted Carnivores Cup, Sweatmoore has apparently succumbed to the mental pressures that come with a long season of competitive bocce. At the mid-point of the season it appeared that Sweatmoore’s high standard of play simply could not be equaled. However, few aficionados of Southside Pitch bocce could deny that his play was beginning to become substandard. Perhaps it is for the best that Nathan pursue other endeavors that are more within his field of expertise. He is currently residing in an area of Washington, D.C. affectionately referred to as Little Niger.
UGLY ACCUSATIONS
THREATEN
The team of Romeo DeSalvo and rookie Irving Shapiro was the focal point of unquestionably the most controversial night of bocce since the now infamous Memorial Day weekend. The first test pitted veterans Buck Mandingo and Nathan Sweatmoore vs. DeSalvo and Shapiro; the latter duo came into the test as huge underdogs but pulled off a most unexpected upset, employing tactics that would make the most devious of Southside Pitch lowlifes blush with shame. Instead of treating pitch officials with the respect usually accorded from those who make such rare test appearances, DeSalvo and Shapiro complained and bitched their way to their first test win as a team in the most shameful fashion. The display was so pathetic that Buck Mandingo would sit out the rest of the night’s test matches in protest. It was near the end of the evening, however, when the ugliness would truly begin. Following the final test a most unsavory spectacle ensued: in full view of the gallery, DeSalvo’s two prized (male) canines performed an erotic mating ritual that was perverted and bizarre, to say the least. The depraved duo grinded and humped each other for nearly an hour as onlookers watched in horror. It has been reported that this is how DeSalvo celebrates his test victories; course director Roman D’Bauchery was not impressed: “DeSalvo and his homo mutts are more than welcome to engage in as many menage a trois’ as their insatiable appetites allow in the privacy of his kennel, but even the Southside Pitch observes certain standards of decency. These standards were clearly exceeded and this sort of behavior will not be tolerated in the future.” If this exhibition of unsurpassed
degeneracy was not enough to stain the evening, DeSalvo’s “partner”, Irving
Shapiro hurled a most unexpected accusation against Southside Pitch officials,
and Ivan Sfencter in particular, who was singled out as being an anti-Semite.
Shapiro, the first Jew to make a test appearance at Southside, ruined what
would have otherwise been an historic evening with his baseless charge.
Those in attendance were flabbergasted, and Southside Pitch officials defended
Sfencter unequivocally: “We find no basis whatsoever for Mr. Shapiro’s
incredible accusation. His premature exodus from the post-match foodfest
was both uncalled for and unacceptable. His presence at future test
matches is not required, with or without Mr. DeSalvo. It is true
that the Southside Pitch frowns on the participation of broads because
of their inherent inferiority, but we have no such policy regarding various
ethnic and racial groups. Certainly if we allow the likes of the
French on our grounds, then anyone is welcome.”
Bocce notes With Nathan Sweatmoore no longer in the running and Buck Mandingo struggling to maintain the form that mad him an early favorite, the coveted Carnivores Cup is there for the taking. A grueling four and a half months have passed since the season began and although he missed many early tests, Tomas Sinjin-Smythe has emerged as the leading candidate to win the crown jewel of bocce. Whether paired in doubles competition or in 3-Way action, he has proved to be nearly unbeatable throughout the month of August. An abrasive individual, Sinjin-Smythe seems to have the intestinal fortitude necessary to endure the psychological warfare that so many others have succumbed to (most notably Jean-Luc Perreault and more recently Nathan Sweatmoore). The only significant blemish on his season is the humbling he took at the hands of Buck Mandingo at the Upper Mountain Bocce Grounds early in the month. Nearly broken in mind and spirit, the soundly defeated Smythe had evidently not encountered the merciless mind games employed by the likes of Mandingo and Ivan Sfencter. To his credit he has used this experience to his advantage, learning from the masters and adding their unsavory tactics to his own repertoire. Unfortunately that very same evening with forever be etched in the memories of those in attendance, a post-match orgy taking place that would have made DeSalvo’s hounds envious. On this occasion, female dogs would prove to be the objects of desire, the debauchery extending long into the morning hours. It is the consensus opinion of the editors of the Deboccery Times that further details are unfit for public exhibition, the reputations of those in question already under intense scrutiny.
SPECIAL BONUS TRACK This previously unissued outtake
was originally deemed considerably below the Deboccery Times high journalistic
standards. It has since achieved legendary status as the pinnacle
of rambling incoherence. It does, however, give an insightful glimpse
into the deranged mind of one of bocce’s most tragic figures, Jules Verne-Magnuson.
It is now, for the very first time, being reprinted in its entirety so
that one and all can see the madness that awaits when one generously mixes
alcohol and anger.
BOCCE... WORLD CLASS! WHAT?
Teeming
with controversy. On-pitch disturbances stemming from the sublime
to the extreme. Has the greatest of all sport declined to the level
of degredence that others have? Feel certain that our forefathers
would not feel content. This season’s outbreaks were, without question,
the ugliest since Il Duce beat Ze Furoror 15-12 in that one very not publicly
notarized match of the 20th century.
--- Jules Verne-Magnuson
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