What a night...   Under the lights of the magnificent Lower River Bocce Club took place the El Diablo Invitation Sevens Bocce Tournament, an event unprecedented in scope and unparalleled in debauchery.  This gathering of bocce veterans and novices served as a send-off for the diminutive Dominguez El Diablo, the details of his inevitable exile unfit for public exhibition.  Absolutely nothing was missing from an evening that will not soon be forgotten:  first-rate bocce, quality elixirs, cheap bimbos, and a who’s who of beef, pork, and poultry products.

When all was said and done David Mogen and Fabio DeSalvo breezed their way to the title, ruthlessly dismembering their many challengers.  The final three tests were a thrilling climax to an incident-filled night.  The championship game pitted Mogen and DeSalvo versus, “the Filthy Frenchman”, Frenchy Falcone and Nico Carbone, the latter duo battling their more experienced opponents admirably, but without success.

Among the early favorites were El Diablo, who was determined to go out swinging, and Buck Mandingo, a regular at the famed Southside Pitch and a volatile and unpredictable character.  Their bocce was disappointing, to say the least, and they spent much of the night looking for new and destructive ways to vent their frustration.  El Diablo in particular was unusually aggressive,  his bout with Frenchy Falcone among the ugliest of the many that he instigated.  David Mogen, proving that he is as adept with his fists as he is with oversized ceramic balls, put an end to Diablo’s reign of terror as the proceedings came to a close, leaving bruises that will undoubtedly still be with him when he is long out of town.

Another favorite and Southside veteran, Ivan Sfencter, unfortunately and tragically dropped out of the tournament after a single, unsuccessful match, his overindulgence in potent elixirs leaving him horizontal and unable to continue.  Early on, it seemed that Ivan was determined to put a miserable 1997 season behind him, but ever since an ugly pollino-throwing incident at Southside involving Buck Mandigno, his game has reverted to its previous disgraceful state.  His partner, Huckleberry Flint, was left alone to tend to the meats, and Flint was well-suited in his new role, Sfencter’s drunkeness trumped by the succulence of Flint’s steaks.

Conspicuously absent from the tournament was Carnivores Cup selection Tomas Sinjin-Smythe, who is again the front-runner to repeat as bocce’s best player.  Some have hinted that his inability to participate substantially cheapens the prestige that would have otherwise come with winning the title, had he also been present.  Smythe himself would not let those attending the pre-tourney press conference forget that his not taking part would in some way tarnish the results, whatever they may be.  Strong words from a confident, yet obviously delusional Sinjin.

FINAL RESULTS

1st  PLACE    DAVID MOGEN and  FABIO DE SALVO
2nd  PLACE    FRENCHY FALCONE and  NICO CARBONE
3rd  PLACE    DOMINGUEZ EL DIABLO and  BUCK MANDINGO
4th  PLACE    FRANCO “THE WOP” COLUMBO  and  PEPE LE PEW
5th  PLACE    JANE DOE IV and  MIGUEL BENDECCO
6th  PLACE    IVAN SFENCTER* and  HUCKLEBERRY FLINT*

*disqualified

SOUTHSIDE BOCCE UNION
FINALLY AGREED UPON

Following weeks of tense negotiations, an agreement was finally reached that would make bocce history.  The founding fathers of the Southside Pitch have united to form the Southside Bocce Union, that will democratically settle any disputes that occur before, during, or after test matches that are held at Southside.  A particularly unsavory incident between Buck Mandingo and Ivan Sfencter, in which Ivan was nearly beheaded by a flying pollino thrown by an enraged Mandingo, led to the Union’s formation, the manner in which disciplinary action was taken reminiscent of southern lynch mobs.

The deal making process was anything but smooth, lawyers representing David Mogen unnecessarily obstinate, walking out of  league meetings on several occasions.  In the end, former union boss Roman D’Bauchery’s negotiating experience paid huge dividends, as Mogen would blink first, and last.  The S.B.U.’s first action was a fine against a remorseless Mandingo, to be consumed at an undisclosed location.  Mogen, still stinging from his humiliating defeat at the bargaining table, remained unsatisfied, his disposition typically confrontational.  One hopes that he does not forget this latest lesson.

A  COMMENTARY 

By  Jacques  Squalor

BROADS COMPETE AT SOUTHSIDE

The participation of two broads, Jane Doe IV and Jane Doe V, was one of many controversial incidents that has taken place at the Southside Pitch in early April.  Although Doe IV made a disappointing showing at the El Diablo Sevens Tournament, her test match performances when paired with Buck Mandingo were an affront to male superiority.  While it is, of course, theoretically impossible for broads to emerge victorious when in competition with men, Doe IV was not intimidated by the likes of Mogen, Sfencter, Smythe and DeSalvo.  Her beau, Dominguez El Diablo, was blatantly distracted by the camaraderie she shared with partner Mandingo.  Doe IV’s feminine touch and Mandingo’s unequaled girth left Diablo feeling woefully inadequate.

Jane Doe V blended in among the lowlifes of Southside better than any broad before her.  A foul-mouthed and ill-tempered wench, she carried an incompetent Ivan Sfencter through two one-side defeats versus Mandingo and Tomas Sinjin-Smythe, the snowball’s chance in hell they had of winning melting amid the flames of the Southside Pitch.

SFENCTER’S BOCCE...AND BEHAVIOR UNPREDICTABLE

Veteran Ivan Sfencter, off to his best start in years, has stumbled badly of late, his game inconsistent and his conduct unprofessional, even when compared to the many degenerates who frequent the Southside Pitch.  It may be no coincidence that his latest personality crisis follows a frightening run-in with league enforcer Buck Mandingo.  Mandingo was severely disciplined for his actions by the newly formed Southside Bocce Union, but the damage has clearly been done;  Sfencter has since gone into hiding, and has not been heard from.  His rollercoaster career has once more descended to unexplored territory, and it is uncertain whether or not he can resume the comeback bid he started earlier this season.

MANDINGO RETIREMENT RUMORS PREMATURE

Rumors of Buck Mandingo’s retirement have proved to be unfounded, at least for now.  His decision to remain active on the many local pitches where bocce test matches are held, is yet another blow to SUPERBABIES, Inc., which also recently failed to sign the gargantuan Ted Washington, the prototype that Cambria breeding bucks are measured against.  A farm executive that insisted on anonymity explained their position, “While it may be true that there are many capably fertile bucks among the jungle-hot mating shacks down on the farm, SUPERBABIES, Inc. is thoroughly committed to owning the most potent breeders available.”  Mandingo has been the center of controversy in the past, but nothing like this season, an unprecedented fine from the S.B.U.’s disciplinary tribunal and an ugly de-pantsing at the hands of Dominguez El Diablo, adding to his raunchy mystique.