EARLY SEASON FIREWORKS LEAVE TOMAS SINJIN-SMYTHE Test match quality bocce is again
alive and well at the unpredictable Southside Pitch. Carnivores Cup
selection Tomas Sinjin- Smythe is clearly determined to quiet his many
detractors, his performances and behavior after receiving bocce’s highest
honor last season left many scratching their heads as to how such a travesty
could occur. He has clearly decided to take a more professional approach
this time around, and he has again established himself as the favorite
to retain the crown jewel of bocce, the Carnivores Cup. The only
blemish on his season thus far was a punch-up with aggressive rookie Fabio
DeSalvo that left his nose bloodied and his ego bruised.
While Sinjin-Smythe’s success has
not been a surprise, the play of veteran Ivan Sfencter has. To say
that his play last season was not up to Southside’s high standards would
be a gross understatement; it was downright shameful. This
year so far is another story entirely, his trademark laredo-style toss
finding the pollino consistently and brilliantly. There can be no
doubt that this is Ivan’s comeback season. While he may be a longshot
to go all the way, he is without doubt the sentimental choice. Not
even an unfortunate injury to his throwing hand during a particularly spiteful
test match has slowed him down. In this same incident the normally passive
Sfencter challenged Southside cement-head Buck Mandingo with uncharacteristic
passion. If he can maintain this level of commitment throughout the
season, he will be a force to reckon with.
FABIO DESALVO Young gun Fabio DeSalvo has burst
onto the scene with accurate tosses and flailing fists. Although
his bocce has at times been somewhat inconsistent, he seems intent on fighting
every thug in the league. He has not picked his spots, bloodying
veteran Tomas Sinjin-Smythe and tangling with a well endowed Mandingo several
times. It seems, however, that it will be impossible for him to continue
this exhausting pace, his test appearances of late becoming increasingly
infrequent.
BUCK MANDINGO Buck Mandingo looked as though he
might again be a top contender for the Carnivores Cup but shocking, yet
unconfirmed rumours say that the grizzled veteran is contemplating retirement.
An unusual 3-Way team test had him paired with newcomer Jane Doe IV versus
Ivan Sfencter & Tomas Sinjin-Smythe and David Mogen & Dominquez
El Diablo. The latter duo would take full advantage of their male
superiority, double-teaming and de-pantsing an outnumbered Mandingo.
His and Doe IV’s historic victory was spoiled by a wild exchange between
himself and Diablo, the brawls sparked by Diablo’s insane jealousy.
Mandingo would return with fresh trousers to exact vengeance, but appears
to have been greatly affected by incident. It is very possible that
his desire to be put out to stud may soon come to fruition.
MANDINGO AGAIN CENTER OF CONTROVERSY The Southside Pitch’s hastily assembled
Disciplinary Division has singled out for punishment Buck Mandingo following
an incident filled opening week of violent bocce. The decision stems
from a confrontation between Mandingo and Ivan Sfencter, whose role in
the donnybrook has been inexplicably ignored by a clearly incompetent kangaroo
court. The audacity of imposing sanctions before holding a hearing
in which all sides could be heard is completely devoid of any sense of
decorum. Such gestapo-like tactics have led to a proposed Southside
Bocce Union that would thoroughly examine the facts of future incidents
fairly and in an unbiased fashion.
PLAYER PROFILE : MAGNUS WILDEBEEST Rumours of Buck Mandingo’s possible
retirement and subsequent reassignment to the Superbabies Breeding Farm
in Cambria, N.Y. have Southside Pitch officials in a frenzy trying to locate
a suitable successor. The leading candidate is arguably the anatomically
gifted Magnus Wildebeest, who is currently owned by SUPERBABIES, Inc. for
breeding purposes. His reputation for stamina and girth are such
that the local townies admiringly sing folk songs of his exploits.
It is well known in bocce circles of Mandingo’s plans to be put out to
stud when his Southside career has come to an end. Whether or not
this will happen is still uncertain, as Mr. Mandingo has gone into semi-seclusion.
EL DIABLO TOUNAMENT TO GATHER BOCCE’S BEST AND BRASHEST The Lower River Bocce Club will
be the site of the 1998 season’s 1st major invitational to honor Dominguez
El Diablo, whose recent manslaughter conviction carries with it a mandatory
10-15 year sentence. Those scheduled to appear include Huckleberry
Flint, Fabio DeSalvo & Jane Doe IV, as well as Southside Pitch regulars
Ivan Sfencter, Buck Mandingo, Tomas Sinjin-Smythe and David Mogen.
The anticipation for this unprecedented extravaganza cannot be put into
words, and emotions should run hot. Also on the evening’s card is
the mass consumption of carnivorous delights, which is a Southside tradition
but universally partaken in as well. It wll be survival of the fittest.
CURRENT RANKINGS :
1. TOMAS SINJIN-SMYTHE |