Sketchy Neighborhood









Advantages of Living in a Sketchy Neighborhood

Mark Driver

Sometimes having a sense of humor helps when you live in a poophole. I came up with the following list of things that I appreciate about the place where I live.

1. Liquor stores on every block.

2. When my apartment gets broken into I can usually buy all my stuff back from the pawn shop across the street for a reasonable price.

3. Constant bass-pumping low riders eliminates need the for a stereo.

4. There's always a nice broken beer bottle within reach to defend myself during my daily mugging attempt.

5. I don't have to worry about paying my bills, because my mail gets stolen, and my landlord won't even go near the place.

6. Drive-by shootings keep the bear population in check.

7. I don't have to worry about making trash day; I just put it outside for the wild dogs.

8. I can score drugs, guns, hookers, or stolen credit cards without leaving the front porch.

9. There's always a cop around, unfortunately, he's usually making deals with my neighbors.

10. Lots of places to dump a body.

11. It's easy to lose weight because Burger King closes at dark, and no one delivers pizza to my street.

12. I'm never embarrassed about my beat up car, the mere fact it hasn't been stolen yet is reason enough to beam with pride.

13. Nightly gunshot volleys make my too loud TV seem like small potatoes to the neighbors.

14. Rats eat the cockroaches and my cat eats the rats, which really cuts down on pet food costs.

15. I get to see my house on COPS all the time.

16. No unexpected friends drop by, in fact no friends stop by at all.

17. Door to door panhandling saves me from having to leave the house to get hit up for spare change.

18. Abundance of spent ammo casings and crack baggies on the ground allow for my lucrative urban jewelry side business.

19. Firing warning shots out the window keeps my handgun in proper working order.

20. If I get lonely I can talk to the drunk who sleeps in my doorway.

Sudden Death Publications (c) 2003