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In a small suburb just outside of Detroit, my first sip of the divine nectar known as malt liquor came at the ripe age of 11 years old. It was a quart (known as a "Q" in the days before the 40) of Colt 45. The moment I got to the bottom, I knew that indeed it "works every time." I'm now 29 and I'm an avid homebrewer, some say "mad brewer," with a lifetime goal of getting the Man off my back and opening a microbrewery. However, I haven't forgotten my roots. I still like to stop at Ocean Liquor (Hermosa Beach, CA) and pick up a 45 (ouncer) of 45 (Colt) for $1.45.

Unfortunately, I currently live in the Seattle area. Malt liquor selection is poor thanks to the microbreweries of the Great (?) Northwest. I did my best to find some new and unusual malt liquors given the circumstances. The rating scale: * = asscrack in a bottle / ***** = Nectar of the Gods.

HURRICANE ICE (7.5%), $1.89/40oz. As with most malt liquor, start out ice cold. Hurricane Ice is relatively smooth and tolerable for an "ice" malt liquor. Beware, Hurricane Ice is not your sippin' 40. Consumption pace should increase as beer temperature increases. Excellent for a pre-show warm-up.***

BULL ICE (8.0%), $1.89/40oz. This is a cousin of the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull. As part of the Stroh's acquisition of Schlitz brewing, they should have kept Joseph Schlitz around to make malt liquor. Bull Ice starts out slightly tolerable and is butt nasty at the bottom. *½

STEEL RESERVE 211 (8.1%), $1.69/40oz. Everything about this malt liquor says "FUCK ME UP!" Brewed by Steel Brewing in Detroit. Starts out smooth and remains smooth throughout the temperature range. A great malt liquor for any occasion. The price is right and the power is right. Get some! ****

STORM (10%), $0.69/pint. This is a self proclaimed "Super" Premium Malt Liquor imported from England. The only thing super about it is how loaded you are after you choke down a few pints. Imagine OE 800 mixed with fruit punch MD 20/20. If you see the colorful purple can on your local shelves, pick one up and give it a try just to say you did it. The novelty of the high alcohol content quickly wears off as the gag reflex kicks in. *

Hopefully you've found this review helpful when you stop to make that special purchase. Coming soon, "Make Your Own Malt Liquor Using Common Household Ingredients."